Discernment and a call.

Today I thought I would do something different, I umm-ed and ahh-ed a little about sharing as it's a little different from my usual posts, but this my space, a space to share my families story.  A space to look back on.  I have not been here much lately, and this is why.  Over the past couple of years I have been doing something called a "Period of Discernment" or POD in short.  Esentially it is a mentoring program designed to give insight into ministry within the church.  I have mentioned it here and there I think on the blog.  It is also the first step to ordination, though it doesn't have to be if you discern otherwise.  This is why I have been a bit quiet lately.  Work, study and tidying up my POD paperwork, which has come to an end.  One of the things I needed to do was a reflection.  So I thought I would share it here, as part of our story, my story.  I'n not sure where it will end up, but thats the good part about journey's isn't it?

I’m not really sure when I first felt called to ministry.  A couple of ministers in my life hinted they felt I should consider exploring it a number of years ago.  But to me it seemed like an absurd idea.  Ministers were wise and gentle.  Always kind, and patient.  They were all kinds of things I wasn’t.  I was sarcastic, a little cynical, opinionated, feisty…..I was a good nurse, who adored my patients.  I was their advocate, their carer.  I intended on becoming a midwife.

But over time, this idea of ministry continued to niggle at me and stir me.  I came to a point in time where it was necessary for me to go back to work to keep my Nursing Registration.  But in my heart of hearts I had come to know God was calling me elsewhere.  I wasn’t sure exactly what it would look like, or perhaps I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it out of the fear of how utterly ridiculous the prospect of me going into ministry was.  But I did know this; that in my heart of hearts that God was telling me to walk away from my nursing and to trust in him.  Every time I pondered not leaving nursing because the alternative seemed ridiculous, a feeling of utter shame and disobedience would wash over me.  I could feel God say firmly say “NO”.  I still felt called to help people heal, but the avenue had changed.  I knew God was calling me to help people heal through helping them know Him, his grace and the forgiveness of Jesus.  So, I made the difficult decision to leave my nursing behind me.  I knew if I didn’t make a clear cut from it, I would never walk into the unknown. 

A while later I entered my POD.  I was given an amazing mentor.  I knew as after our first meeting that this was right for me.  She was wise, gentle, encouraging and didn’t miss a thing.   

My POD has been an interesting period.  One full of change I wasn’t expecting when I embarked upon it.  I decided early on to use this experience to say “yes” to as much as I possibly could in ministry, even the things that terrified me.   

But life has many dimensions and things are not always smooth sailing.  We own a country General Store and Post Office, and the winter after I started my POD business was rough.  It had dropped significantly, finances were too tight for comfort.  My husband was incredibly stressed, which is unlike him.  After much prayer, we decided to sell our home in town and move out to the country and buy a little old rundown cottage to renovate near our business.  This decision allowed us to buy in cash, reducing debit and financial pressure substantially.  We were trying to batten down the hatches for what could possibly be a difficult economic time. 

My mentor and I talked extensively about what God was calling us to do in our new town.  I talked about wanting to build families and community, perhaps start a play group or something for mothers.  I wanted to help care for them, to encourage the women, to walk with them in the often difficult and lonely time of early childhood.  As a mother of three little boys, supporting other mothers is a passion of mine.  We live in a time where mothers today often feel socially isolated, families live apart, PND is on the rise.  When we support a mother in a strong, caring community, we help an entire family.  I had also started helping my mentor with a program run for youth on the edge, which I love.  We even brought a coffee machine into our shop with a table and chairs, and a couch and a basket of toys as to encourage families to sit and rest so I could build relationships and hopefully build some kind of families ministry from there if there was intrest.  I knew there would never be a chance of paid ministry in the town, as our local minister only works one day a week between three congregations, but that was fine.   

Not even two weeks after moving into the little old cottage the devastating Pinery Bushfires came through.  My husband was in an accident and got caught in the fire front as it swung around.  By the grace of God the only thing we lost was the 4WD which was a write off.  After the event the stages of recovery were a surreal experience.  In 2010 we went through the Stockport floods.  I remember I was 34 weeks pregnant with our second child.  We lost nearly everything we owned and were displaced from our home.  I knew God was preparing me for something through these events.  I was being stripped back, exposed, bare.  But each time I was reminded of the verse “I will not leave you nor forsake you”. He was teaching me to trust in him.  Wholly and fully.  Each time he brought amazing people who could help shape me, guide me, pick me up and dust me off, who would help lighten the load so I could do what I needed to do for my family. 

As time passed, our 3 boys settled in.  We found our feet among the move, the fire and renovations.  Our business improved and grew and has remained strong ever since.  The local Rev and I got in contact and we talked about the local church.  The church had essentially closed down its Sunday service a year or two prior.  Instead they now met once a month in people’s homes for a simple service/fellowship style night over dinner.  We met up and discussed the potential for a families ministry in town.  My old Rev was very supportive throughout this period of transition in guiding me, in giving advice, in mentoring me.  My new Rev gave me the encouragement, support and green light to see if I could start a families ministry.  I got in contact with a couple of local families and not long later we met up over a shared dinner.  We decided to meet monthly, on the opposite fortnight of the other homegroup.  I also started attending their homegroup to get to know the oldies better, which I greatly enjoyed. 

Sometime in amongst this I officially left my old church with their blessings.  I knew God was calling me elsewhere, but it had been a formative place for me in my christian walk and they were like my family.  They had stood by me while I took my first wobbly ministry steps and gave me opportunities to try different things, they were there as I unpacked my old hurts, learned about this sometimes messy and complex thing called “church”, sat with me as I began to heal, forgave me as I made mistakes and loved me unconditionally.

About 6 months after the Pinery Fire I was surprised to get invited to apply for a job to help in the Pinery Fire Recovery effort.  To help women and children come together in community to help them recover.  My role is technically “Pinery Fire Recovery Project Officer”, but I simply call myself a Chaplain who works with women and children.  This came as a huge affirmation to me, and I felt incredibly humbled and blessed to be able to work within this role.  Suddenly I could clearly see the path that God had been laying for me, what he had been shaping me for.  Since this point my certainty about my call has depend and clarified immensely.  I love my work, and the people it allows me to work with. 

Back in our new town, our little families group was going well.  Over time we decided to combine both the “old” and the “new” groups.  Which worked beautifully under the Rev's gentle guidance.  We now all meet fortnightly, in the church hall as we outgrew meeting in the home.  We usually get around 25-30 people who attend, our biggest night we had 40 just a couple of weeks ago which was a delightful blessing!  Our group ranges in age from 1-90.  We have a healthy childrens ministry usually between 9-14 kids and we meet over a shared meal, scripture, prayer and children activities.  We try to include something for all ages, and it is a wonderful time of togetherness, sharing of faith and worship.  It’s sometimes messy and chaotic, but there is a deep sense of love, acceptance, realness and community.   

My POD journey has been rich, diverse and full of change, it has taken me the best part of two years.  I have explored so much.  Preaching, worship leading, going back to study at college, working with youth, families, children, community work.  I have been blessed to be a part of a Church that has come back to life.  To see the healing hand of God, to see Him work and be present in the seemingly impossible.  It has been challenging, it has shaped me, it has brought me to tears, it has filled me to the brim with joy and wonder.  It has helped me to trust in God so deeply, to feel his peace and presence even among the chaos.  This journey has shown me Gods call on my life, in every possible way.  He has taken me on a path I never intended to go.  A path that uses every piece of me.  I often feel inadequate at the task at hand, like what I have is simply no where near enough.  But God has shown me time and time again, that HE is enough.  And through Him all things are possible, if only we can first trust in Him.        

If your still reading after all that I'm impressed!  A long post today, as it was part of a report, but you know what they say, reuse/recycle - ha!  ;)

Much love,

Emma

xx

Comfort...

Sometimes the wisdom of my children completely amazes me.

Our buyers pulled out at the last minute, much to everyone's surprise.  Goes to show its not over till its over, and clearly, it wasn't quite over.

This little house had termites in one corner years ago - before we moved in.  About 90% of the houses in this area have had termites at one stage or another.  Its common and if caught early, easily treated.  There was a full treatment, bait stations were installed for further maintenance by the previous owners and there has been no further activity since we have been here.  Their building inspection was extremely thorough and naturally showed this up.  (You would hope it would!)  The builders inspected every square inch of the place, deemed it safe, and were not concerned by the old damage, there was no evidence of recent damage and deemed the house to be structurally sound, safe and solid.  They put forward this recommendation but the older lady panicked and someone (not a builder) gave her the advice not to buy a house that has ever been touched by white ants.  Goodness knows why, as long as you understand the full history and the current condition of the home there is nothing to get upset about.

So yesterday was a long, stressful and disappointing day in the end.

This morning was the silver lining.  I was tired after a restless night and as I lay in bed, I listened to my beautiful old soul William encourage the little boys to help tidy the kitchen.  Instructing them gently and kindly on how to unpack the dishwasher, dry the dishes and together they packed them away.  He carefully made sure they didn't touch any of the knives, and then together they tidied their room and Will helped Angus find his clothes for the day.  He soothed Henry when he bumped himself and as I lay in bed and listened to all this my mothers heart grew and grew.

When I got up I gave him a huge hug and chatted to him about how the sale fell though.  And in all his wisdom he replied "I know".  We chatted about how it meant we had to get the house really tidy again ready for inspections, and that we can pray for the house to sell and that God was still looking after us, even though it felt sad and disappointing.  He took it upon himself to then go out and tidy the lounge.

We have another four people (maybe more) looking through on Friday.  There is lots of interest.  Who knows what will be?

Goodness I am so very blessed.  Despite a disappointing day.  So today we are going gently and quietly.  Focusing on all we do have and that God's got this.      

Much love, 

Emma

Xx

Lazy winter days!

Gah....It seems I had a major technology fail and managed to accidentally delete my last post where I was pondering on rushing.....Of course it is not backed up, so you will just have to trust me that it was good!  Ha!  ;)

I have been madly busy this week with workshops, church meetings, family visiting and friends for dinner last night and tonight.  So I don't have much time to write but instead thought I would share a few photos.  I love photos!  Here are a few moments from our week...

Henry and I did some pretty groovy dancing while listening to Pete Murray in the kitchen amongst the dishes and daily mess of family life.  It's so important to turn a blind eye and enjoy the little moments.  We spent the morning alternating between dancing and housework!

There was fire gazing on a cold morning....

Wool felt animals to play with and learn about....

And forts to build! 

And a short verse from my reading of scripture this week that really resonated with me....

Much love! 

Xx

A few articles I read this week....

I think its always interesting to read how other cultures approach parenting.  Here is a link to a danish perspective, I enjoyed flicking through this site.  
Danish parenting..

Oh how I dream of a little shed like this for myself in my veggie patch! 
a lovely garden shed!

Oh how I would love to do this in my house!  Though I need to be aware there are others who live here, not just me!  ;) 
minimalism 

A church grown from trees, just breathtakingly beautiful!
living church

whats happening.

School holidays are here - I feel so relaxed at the possibilities!  I'm so looking forward to spending time with friends, hanging out, chatting over a cuppa.  It's amazing how fast the term passes.

We spent some time in the back garden on the weekend and laid straw, did some tidying up, some light pruning, sweeping etc.  It was lovely to catch up a bit.

We found a local guy who sells straw at $5/bale.  So Grant bought a tailor load.  We have done the back beds, our front yard is still a dumping ground and we need to shift some soil to build up the bed where we put in the lattice a couple of months ago.  Dear old Grant likes to have several jobs on the go at once!  But seeing as it is planting time, we need to spend some time filling in the gaps, planting screen covers etc.  I can use cuttings for some which is always great!

My herb/greens beds are still going crazy and have just had a fresh flourish of growth with the rain and cooler weather.  It's amazing how much we can fit into even this small space and how much pleasure it gives me every time I go out and pick some fresh herbs/greens for a meal.  Next time I could plant one less spinach like leafy green....though my family are tolerating it better! 

 

I can't believe I'm still harvesting chillies! 

I tried my hand at making a hot chilli sauce a couple of weeks ago.  Whoa it it hot!  Grant slathers it on things.  

Today we are having a restful home day.  Movies, lazing about, and resting.  Catching up from the term that was.

Grant and I are still waiting to hear on the finances from the couple who are interested in the shop.  They are still interested, and they are trying to source loans with a good interest rate, the rate they could get they were not happy with.  I have no idea if that means they will still buy it if they cant lock in a loan with a lower rate or not.  It all sounds positive, but we will see.  She has gone back to China this month to try some different tactics for borrowing money over there.

In the mean time, we wait.  Trying to get on with our lives as if nothing is different.  Reminding ourselves to trust in the plan God has for our lives and that no matter what happens we will work it out.  We have been told they will have a definite answer for us in May, either way.  Not long now.  

I started my period of discernment yesterday. (POD) I went to the bible collage, met with the principal and attended a workshop.  It was great.  Really great.  I battled with the idea of going back to study, weather or not I am suited to a life in a formal ministry capacity or just simply helping out in church as I am now.  If I should study theology, and at what level, if giving up nursing really is what God has called me to do. (it is, but its not easy to walk away from)  I'm not sure if I am or not, but I feel so peaceful to be on this journey now.  It feels totally right to be exploring these questions in a formal capacity.  I feel like I have found a little peice of myself once again, like another little peice of my soul has re-awakened, I enjoy learning and being challenged in regards to learning/education.  This week I remembered this, and it's been all kinds of awesome.  

Xx

mindfulness

The blog was quiet last week, I have been waiting for the energy to write.  I'm still tired and flat today but I have decided it is time to write anyway.   

I suffered badly with post natal depression with my third child, Henry and it taught me so many lessons.  I thought I might share some with you and a little of my story....After Henry, I suffered from PND.  1 in 4 people will suffer depression at some stage in their life. I don't know how to describe it really.....Depression rears its ugly head in so many forms.  Some cry, some are anxious, some are moody, some are sad, some are angry.  I was angry.  I would rage, like I have never known.  Everyday I would yell, snap, even scream.  I would rage at my husband, and even my children.  I was awful.  The people who I loved the most got the very worst of me dished to them daily on a silver platter.  It.  Was.  Hell.  For everyone.  Even my anger angered me.  I was either angry or numb.  I couldn't cry.  Not a tear. I put on my "work face" and got on with my life the best I could.  People didn't know.  

I believe my PND was primarily caused by a chronic lack of sleep throughout my pregnancy, then needing a c-section, and then having a baby with terrible reflux.  I just got sick.

Every night I would go to bed and pray.  I would pray for patience, for peace in my heart.  That I would be the mother my sweet babies needed and deserved, to be the loving mother I knew I needed to be, that I so desperately wanted to be.  I would pray with all my heart.  I would give thanks for all the amazing things I had.  My beautiful boys, my amazing, patient, loyal husband.  I would give thanks for our little cozy house, our security.

Every morning I would wake up and take time to remember how grateful I was for my life, for my gentle patient Grant, my beautiful children, my lovely little home.  I was warm, safe, dry, fed.  Every single morning I would wake up DETERMINED to do better.  I would clear my mind and focus on being calm and loving. That I would be able to let go of the indescribable anger that gripped my body,.  I told myself I would do better.  That TODAY I would be the mother my boys deserved.

Every day, I failed.  

At first I thought it was hormones, or baby blues.  At about 4 months in I realized it wasn't right, that it was worsening and I decided to go to the Dr and I went on medication.  It was a very low dose of anti-depressant.  Slowly and surely over the next 18 months life got better.  It was not fast, it was not over night and I have had to, and continue to still work very hard on it.
 
Slowly, very slowly I came back.  I realized that awful rage I was consumed by was not me, it was not who I was in my heart of hearts but instead it was the disease that gripped my body.  Slowly the rage dispersed.  I returned. 

I always knew depression was a disease, but you know when you truly "know" something from experience? It is a strong and powerful disease.  It is not merely "negative thinking". You cannot positively think your way our of true and deep depression.  I know because by golly I tried.

Medication, Faith, family, friends and simple living or at least mindful living is what has helped heal me.

My faith is a corner stone to who I am.  Knowing God "would not leave me nor forsake me"  was a line I repeated over and over in my mind.  And it was the truth.  I was truly blessed throughout this dark period though at the time I was not so able to see it as I can in health and hindsight.  And through this illness, God has grown me.  Stronger, but more fragile all at once.

Family - when Grant and I made our vows we really made them.  In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.  My family was my anchor to this world.  They forgave my behavior.  I always apologized, I always acknowledged it but that didn't stop it from causing hurt.  It would be easy to dwell on this.  That I was a really crap Mum.  And an even crapper wife.  My friends came and picked me up and dusted me off.  I have amazing friends.  Some brought food, or something small to make me smile.  They sat with me, they accepted me, they listened.  They still do.  They loved me unconditionally.  And that is a powerful thing.  I am truly blessed by the friendships in my life.

This next bit may sound preachy but I want to share my story, by sharing our stories we can help people understand this terrible illness.  Knowing God was there, knowing he sent down his only son to forgive us of our sin really helped me.  There is freedom in that. You see I really believe we are all broken.  All of us.  I mean we all stuff things up.  No matter how much we INTEND to do well, we fall short.  We hurt people.  We forget important things.  It's human nature.  It doesn't mean we don't try really hard not to stuff up.  It doesn't mean we don't learn from our mistakes, it doesn't mean we don't own it, apologise and try to grow through it.  It's just despite our best efforts and finest intentions, we do stuff up anyway.  And it's crap every time we do.

There is a kind of freedom in realizing everyone is broken, that when you strip us all back we are all just the same.  But that if we turn to God that he can guide us.  That we are loved and valued despite our brokenness unconditionally.  That he will show us grace.  By knowing that truth, I was able to show myself grace.  I have forgiven myself of the behavior that consumed me when I was sick.  It was not who I was but that doesn't stop it from hurting any less.  I could choose to have that guilt and burden hang over my head as a parent, which would be increadably unhelpful as parenting is hard enough without trying to do it through guilt.  But my faith frees me from that.

I'm getting to the simple living part I promise!  

Simple living has helped me to be mindful.  It has helped me strip back all the unnecessary things and focus on what important.  It has helped to bring me quiet in my mind.  It has helped me to live a simplified life, to eat better, to live better.  To not look for the "quick" fixes but to instead look at the problem and deal with it directly.  My eyes were already wide open to the things that are marketed at us as "quick" fixes.  the promises "things" are supposed to bring us.  But they don't.  Things can never bring us joy, well not the kind of lasting joy we are searching for.  For me living a mindful life, and honest life and a simple life helps me to keep whats truly valuable close to my heart.  My home helped to heal me.  It was my safe place.  Where I could be myself, I could hide, I could rest, I could fill up my tank.  

A little over 2 weeks ago I went off my medication, with a plan in place.  I'm ok but I'm tired, I have had headaches.  My mind is foggy.  My emotions have been haywire but I think I am getting there.  I have spent lots of time at home pottering about in the peace and quiet.  In my haven.  So if the blog is quiet this is why.  Because I am simplifying life.  I am filling my tank, I am growing well.  I am here, cooking for my family, sewing and resting.  I'm giving myself some grace. 

xx