And then....repeat.

Here I sit, nestled in a cafe in the heart of the Barossa.  The cups clattering in the kitchen, the coffee machine letting out an occasional hiss of steam as a fresh coffee is carefully brewed.  The man next to me reads his newspaper, occasionally licking his thumb to grip the pages which rustle as they are turned.

The ladies a table down are deep in conversation, listening carefully to each other.  I can tell their friendship is rich and deep.  We should all be so blessed to know such a relationship.

The sky outside is dull, grey and drizzly.  But it is warm and comforting here, all is well in my little corner of the world.

My mind is so full....I must have tried to type a post for a couple of weeks now but ideas just wouldn’t form.  My mind is jumbled, thoughts fractured with “ifs, buts and maybes”.

We have put and offer on a property which has been accepted, currently contracts are being written up.  265acres near a big centre with everything we could possibly need and more, 45 mins to the coast.  High rainfall, sub tropical.  Truly a beautiful piece of land in an equally beautiful corner of the world.

But suddenly my sense of adventure has gone walk about.  I have lost someone oh so dear to me, and all I want is “home”.  To be near those I know and love.  To sit in comfortable silence.  To sit in a familiar cafe, to be in my community surrounded by my “people”.  To have the warmth of familiarity and security wrap itself around me.

Instead we find ourselves preparing to embark on a move 16 hours away and interstate.  We are navigating legal documents, council approval, house designs, bushfire ratings with the added joy of a super tight cash budget.  

Compromise.

The only solution.

To remember we don’t have to do it all, all at once.  That our life doesn’t have to look like others, for it to be ok, beautiful even.

To breathe slowly and to remember to deal with each single task at hand mindfully.  To take time to breathe, to mourn, to look ahead and to take a little step......and repeat.

Again and again until we have worked through each challenge as we approach it.  For we can really only work on one thing at a time, despite our minds all to often trying to solve allll the problems all at once - which never actually achieves anything apart from stress and a headache.

And just like that, we will be ok.  Yes, there will be hiccups and bumps on the road ahead.  For thats what makes an adventure so!

There will be feelings of sadness and loss to sit with as we leave our lives we know filled with people we love and familiar routines.  There will be feelings of overwhelm as solutions to the challenges we face will seem out of reach.  There will be feelings of joy and excitement about the new in our lives. There will be celebrations as we find a solution to a problem which has been weighing on us.

And then repeat.

Self care and self worth.

Self care....We have all heard of the oxygen mask analogy right?  Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on others?

Well in this season since my heart problems I have had to put myself first in a way I have never had to before.  It has been challenging.  It has been difficult to say "no", I have felt guilty, I have felt lazy, and the inner voice in my head has not always been kind.

The thing is, I LOOK well.  Mostly.  And when I feel crappy I pull up my socks, put on a smile and try to get on with it in public.  I have people give me all kinds of advice about needing to exercise to get my energy back, to health supplements (bee pollen anyone?), to people telling me I need to sleep less and its just my body clock messed up.  I gently tell them that my heart is infact weak and fatigued which means its working hard while I am simply at rest.  While on the inside I ache wondering if they think I'm "making it up", if they think I'm infact "lazy"

With the patritian wall down finally the table can be turned.  Now we can sit at the table AND open the fridge door!

For a while there I turned into a hermit, unable to manage much outside caring for myself and my family.  Today I'm pleased to say I'm on the mend - though not *quite* there yet, the good days are becoming more and more frequent.

But the lesson throughout it all remains with me.  I have been humbled.  I'm not invincible.  I can't do it all.  It takes more then will power to overcome some things.  Sometimes we need to strip everything back to the bare basics just to get through it.  Even then the task at hand can seem insurmountable.  I have been in tears from exhaustion at the never ending washing and the energy it took to fold it.  I have been utterly overwhelmed by a small list of necessary jobs needing to break them up into small blocks so I can rest between them.  I have felt like a failure again and again for not being able to manage even the smallest of tasks on a bad day.

The new kitchen/dine/lounge area finally opened up so you can feel and see the space.  

At times deep lonliness has filled my world.  My internal dialogue of self doubt dorwning out the logical knowledge that all my friends know I adore them, and just as I would want them to be at home and care for themselves if the tables had of been turned, that they would want the same for me.

My faith has taken a little battering.  Not that I have ever doubted Gods love and presence through this.  For I always think it is through the difficult times I see his love and grace the most, especially through the actions of those close to us supporting us.  But still its been hard.  It would be a lie if at times I had not felt really pissed off at God for things sometimes being so damn hard.  But I figure, God is big enough to handle that.

Laying the timber floating floors in the new master bedroom.

But as is often the case from hard things there is a deeper lesson throughout this which I have learned.  I have learned to back myself.  I have learned to quiet the inner voice of self doubt.  That doesn't mean it doesn't still exist - it does.  But instead I take the time to acknowledge it, breathe and re-centre myself with a variety of strategies.  Talking to the people who know me best, setting small achievable goals, celebrating the small successes, undertaking small rituals that fill my tank.  Listening to music, diffusing essential oils caring for my indoor pot plants are just a few.  Nothing ground breaking.  But for me it comes down to being conscious and pro-active about my inner "mean girl" if you will.

New wood fire.

So often our self worth comes from what we do.  I have had to leave work, defer study...No longer am I the theological student/chaplain/business partner/capable Mother.  But through being chronically unwell over the last 6 months I have come to realize I am "just Emma"  and actually, that is enough in itself.  Our value does not come from what we manage to successfully achieve, but it is instead something we each poses as part of who we each are and how we were created.  If we are unable to do those things, for what ever reason it does not mean we suddenly become "less".  Those things are not our whole identity.  They are simply the practical way we out work who we are at the core of our being, when we are able too.

The lighting of the first wood fire in the new slow combustion wood heater.

This has been a timely lesson.  As we face the prospect of a big life change, possibly moving interstate, living in a bus while we self build an off grid home....Well we are going to face push back.  In fact we already have.  Which is not necessarily a bad thing.  It means when someone pushes back and we find it uncomfortable we are forced to re-evaluate our goals.  We will either be swayed to a different path because they made good and valid points, or we will come back with a stronger plan and more resolve to forge ahead.  Who we are and what we are capable of doesn't change because of someone else's doubt.

Much Love,
Emma
xx

A bit of a natter.

Goodness, well doesn't time fly?

I know I promised photos but I'm afraid I can't deliver.  The wedding was wonderful, but I got so caught up with seeing old friends I didn't pick up my camera at all!  But I felt so comfortable in my new dress and I really impressed my friends who joked about seeing me not in linen, actually wearing make up and not a pair of Birkenstocks in sight.  ;)

I'm not sure where the time has gone since then.  There has been assignments and mountains of reading going on.  That much I do know.  There has been washing, washing, and more washing.

So here are a few pictures of various things that have been happening around the place since my last post.....(See the washing?)

Will sitting with me composing a song while I worked on an assignment.  The wood oven was crackling away, and the sourdough was proving next to it.

Daffodils and Iris's fresh from the garden.

Chicken stew and dumplings for dinner on a cold, wintery night.  

Angus is continuing to see the ENT and work out his hearing problems.  He had another hearing test and after some initial concern it seems to be fine.  

A mud kitchen pulled together from some bessa bricks, and ply we had lying around, underneath the old grapefruit tree.  Will be a lovely place to play in summer!

I caught up with a dear friend and she surprised us with this Scottish Terrier inspired gift bought form an op-shop.  We are happily reading the May Gibbs book a chapter at a time. 

The Scottish Terrier salt and pepper shakers have been added to my little collection of porcelain dogs.  These are all figures that belonged to my grandparents and are very dear to me.  I am keeping my eye out to find an antique ceramic Scottish Terrier to add.  I also have a beautiful heavy antique crystal Labrador which is sitting with some crystal candle holders which reminds me of old Tessa.  Its funny how collections seem to randomly grow isn't it?

My car died an untimely death, and was sold on for parts.  I have ended up with a new-to-me car.  Meet "Suzi"  the Suzuki.  I really like her.  She's neat, and has a perfect service record.  Fits us all in, and a boot big enough for the dogs, all my stuff, and plants!  Because a car big enough to load up with plants is of upmost importance, yes?  It also has seven seats which will come in handy.  We bought in cash from a private sale.  We nipped into a couple of car yards but thought a cash budget translated to "partial finance" and kept trying to sell us care $5,000 above our budget.....seriously......

Anyway, it is time to get dinner on!  Home made chicken soup and toast is on the menu tonight.
Much love,

Emma

xx