Self care....We have all heard of the oxygen mask analogy right? Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on others?
Well in this season since my heart problems I have had to put myself first in a way I have never had to before. It has been challenging. It has been difficult to say "no", I have felt guilty, I have felt lazy, and the inner voice in my head has not always been kind.
The thing is, I LOOK well. Mostly. And when I feel crappy I pull up my socks, put on a smile and try to get on with it in public. I have people give me all kinds of advice about needing to exercise to get my energy back, to health supplements (bee pollen anyone?), to people telling me I need to sleep less and its just my body clock messed up. I gently tell them that my heart is infact weak and fatigued which means its working hard while I am simply at rest. While on the inside I ache wondering if they think I'm "making it up", if they think I'm infact "lazy"
For a while there I turned into a hermit, unable to manage much outside caring for myself and my family. Today I'm pleased to say I'm on the mend - though not *quite* there yet, the good days are becoming more and more frequent.
But the lesson throughout it all remains with me. I have been humbled. I'm not invincible. I can't do it all. It takes more then will power to overcome some things. Sometimes we need to strip everything back to the bare basics just to get through it. Even then the task at hand can seem insurmountable. I have been in tears from exhaustion at the never ending washing and the energy it took to fold it. I have been utterly overwhelmed by a small list of necessary jobs needing to break them up into small blocks so I can rest between them. I have felt like a failure again and again for not being able to manage even the smallest of tasks on a bad day.
At times deep lonliness has filled my world. My internal dialogue of self doubt dorwning out the logical knowledge that all my friends know I adore them, and just as I would want them to be at home and care for themselves if the tables had of been turned, that they would want the same for me.
My faith has taken a little battering. Not that I have ever doubted Gods love and presence through this. For I always think it is through the difficult times I see his love and grace the most, especially through the actions of those close to us supporting us. But still its been hard. It would be a lie if at times I had not felt really pissed off at God for things sometimes being so damn hard. But I figure, God is big enough to handle that.
But as is often the case from hard things there is a deeper lesson throughout this which I have learned. I have learned to back myself. I have learned to quiet the inner voice of self doubt. That doesn't mean it doesn't still exist - it does. But instead I take the time to acknowledge it, breathe and re-centre myself with a variety of strategies. Talking to the people who know me best, setting small achievable goals, celebrating the small successes, undertaking small rituals that fill my tank. Listening to music, diffusing essential oils caring for my indoor pot plants are just a few. Nothing ground breaking. But for me it comes down to being conscious and pro-active about my inner "mean girl" if you will.
So often our self worth comes from what we do. I have had to leave work, defer study...No longer am I the theological student/chaplain/business partner/capable Mother. But through being chronically unwell over the last 6 months I have come to realize I am "just Emma" and actually, that is enough in itself. Our value does not come from what we manage to successfully achieve, but it is instead something we each poses as part of who we each are and how we were created. If we are unable to do those things, for what ever reason it does not mean we suddenly become "less". Those things are not our whole identity. They are simply the practical way we out work who we are at the core of our being, when we are able too.
This has been a timely lesson. As we face the prospect of a big life change, possibly moving interstate, living in a bus while we self build an off grid home....Well we are going to face push back. In fact we already have. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. It means when someone pushes back and we find it uncomfortable we are forced to re-evaluate our goals. We will either be swayed to a different path because they made good and valid points, or we will come back with a stronger plan and more resolve to forge ahead. Who we are and what we are capable of doesn't change because of someone else's doubt.
Much Love,
Emma
xx
Well in this season since my heart problems I have had to put myself first in a way I have never had to before. It has been challenging. It has been difficult to say "no", I have felt guilty, I have felt lazy, and the inner voice in my head has not always been kind.
The thing is, I LOOK well. Mostly. And when I feel crappy I pull up my socks, put on a smile and try to get on with it in public. I have people give me all kinds of advice about needing to exercise to get my energy back, to health supplements (bee pollen anyone?), to people telling me I need to sleep less and its just my body clock messed up. I gently tell them that my heart is infact weak and fatigued which means its working hard while I am simply at rest. While on the inside I ache wondering if they think I'm "making it up", if they think I'm infact "lazy"
With the patritian wall down finally the table can be turned. Now we can sit at the table AND open the fridge door!
For a while there I turned into a hermit, unable to manage much outside caring for myself and my family. Today I'm pleased to say I'm on the mend - though not *quite* there yet, the good days are becoming more and more frequent.
But the lesson throughout it all remains with me. I have been humbled. I'm not invincible. I can't do it all. It takes more then will power to overcome some things. Sometimes we need to strip everything back to the bare basics just to get through it. Even then the task at hand can seem insurmountable. I have been in tears from exhaustion at the never ending washing and the energy it took to fold it. I have been utterly overwhelmed by a small list of necessary jobs needing to break them up into small blocks so I can rest between them. I have felt like a failure again and again for not being able to manage even the smallest of tasks on a bad day.
The new kitchen/dine/lounge area finally opened up so you can feel and see the space.
At times deep lonliness has filled my world. My internal dialogue of self doubt dorwning out the logical knowledge that all my friends know I adore them, and just as I would want them to be at home and care for themselves if the tables had of been turned, that they would want the same for me.
My faith has taken a little battering. Not that I have ever doubted Gods love and presence through this. For I always think it is through the difficult times I see his love and grace the most, especially through the actions of those close to us supporting us. But still its been hard. It would be a lie if at times I had not felt really pissed off at God for things sometimes being so damn hard. But I figure, God is big enough to handle that.
Laying the timber floating floors in the new master bedroom.
But as is often the case from hard things there is a deeper lesson throughout this which I have learned. I have learned to back myself. I have learned to quiet the inner voice of self doubt. That doesn't mean it doesn't still exist - it does. But instead I take the time to acknowledge it, breathe and re-centre myself with a variety of strategies. Talking to the people who know me best, setting small achievable goals, celebrating the small successes, undertaking small rituals that fill my tank. Listening to music, diffusing essential oils caring for my indoor pot plants are just a few. Nothing ground breaking. But for me it comes down to being conscious and pro-active about my inner "mean girl" if you will.
New wood fire.
So often our self worth comes from what we do. I have had to leave work, defer study...No longer am I the theological student/chaplain/business partner/capable Mother. But through being chronically unwell over the last 6 months I have come to realize I am "just Emma" and actually, that is enough in itself. Our value does not come from what we manage to successfully achieve, but it is instead something we each poses as part of who we each are and how we were created. If we are unable to do those things, for what ever reason it does not mean we suddenly become "less". Those things are not our whole identity. They are simply the practical way we out work who we are at the core of our being, when we are able too.
The lighting of the first wood fire in the new slow combustion wood heater.
This has been a timely lesson. As we face the prospect of a big life change, possibly moving interstate, living in a bus while we self build an off grid home....Well we are going to face push back. In fact we already have. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. It means when someone pushes back and we find it uncomfortable we are forced to re-evaluate our goals. We will either be swayed to a different path because they made good and valid points, or we will come back with a stronger plan and more resolve to forge ahead. Who we are and what we are capable of doesn't change because of someone else's doubt.
Much Love,
Emma
xx
